The girl you love to hate

Untimely Life (essay)

2004-10-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

How can anything be alive in me when I am so dead inside? I feel so empty and used up, there is nothing left but a pile of dust, occasionally mud when I get to crying. How can I sustane a life when there is no life in me? I feel like a wraith, a hollow being walking between plains with no real substance, nothing holding together their fragile coporal self but the stuborn constant of one over powering emotion. How can the dead bring forth life? Or will the death within myself eventual infect the child that sleeps blissfully ignornat between the next world and this horrid reality. I react to stimulus only occasionally with the impulse of memory but lacking any real sensory experience. The world washes over me as if I am lieing at the bottom of a shallow ocean, watching the sun wrinkle along the surface but never penatraiting to my cold lonely depth, but no comfort does it give me, I have no joyious memory of my own visit to the womb. I only breath and wait for the briney sea to fill my lungs and crush my heart to send me to a place of warmer days and kind faces. Why does this child hold so tightly to me rather than traveling to that wonderful place that I so long to belong to?

Candy Home (poetry)

2004-10-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

Sad little girl
In your candy home
Sitting in your
Bedroom all alone
You make up friends
And stories to tell
They all love you
And know you so well
Daily they sing praise
And worship you
But here's a hint
It is all untrue
Go look outside
Your tiny mind
Then the truth
You just might find
No one cares
And yes its true
The world's revolution
Is not centered on you.

Erotic ballerina (essay)

2004-10-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

My greatest passion is to dance... to move across the floor as a liquid physical embodyment of the music that pounds through to the soul of everyone. I curl and spin like a leaf in the wind, tireless, fearless, oblivious the the world around me, the eyes that watch me with awe from the edges of the crowd. The girls watch with hooded eyes, wondering what it would be like to move like me. The guys watch me with eyes full of desire wondering what it would be like to have me move under them. A brave few attempt to dance with me and for all their bravery they only get a rare smile, as I spin away to continue making love to the music and the music alone. Erotic... Exotic... Beautiful. I dance for them to watch, to cherish, to dream about as their hands move below the sweat soaked sheets while they lie alone in their beds. I dance so they will want me, I dance because I am a tease, an erotic balerina

Lirah (poetry)

2004-10-27T15:08:00.000-07:00

Lirah is my secret land
Where tiny jewls make up the sand
Floating in the velvet night
My island home is such a sight
The silver moon cast red rimmed shadows
And cut ice flowers fill the meadows
And floating on the fragrent breeze
Are lies so true your heart will freeze
The hills and dales crash like waves
And mirrors line the walls of caves
The grass is only soft white fur
The river of innocence keeps it pure
Side to side the oceans flow
And here home sick you will never grow
For it seems a moment has gone by
But new constellations dot the sky
I live in a house of mysteries
Beside the Bay of Crystal Seas
I have a tumor for a sink
My pillow is thoughts I am yet to think
I sleep in a bed of unmade choices
And are sung to sleep by demon’s voices
At the wall I watch and wait
For conciousness to flood the gate
Of reality they will ride
And from the Lirah I will hide

Vanity (poetry)

2004-10-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

burn and blister
slash and bleed
upon you dispaired
soul I feed
skin and suffer
bruise and break
every ounce
of hope I'll take
hold them close
hold them near
I'll destroy all
you hold dear
try to stop it
try to flee
there is no
escape of me
deep inside you
all around
this is where
I can be found
forked tounge
legs of eight
no time to waste
it is too late
pulses racing
poisons true
I creep and crawl
inside of you
blades tearing
death come slow
eternal the pain
just does not slow
sloth is less easy
than evil envy
lust begets loss
life feeds gluttony
for the sin of wrath
you mistaken me
But you'll see
Im your endless vanity

Horror and Desire (lyrics)

2004-10-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

How can I be with him
when I only dream of you
how can I let him touch me
after the things we do

your touch burns
deep inside my skin
He has no idea
where it is i've been

*ch*honor and desire
tossing to and fro
kiss me bite me tease me
please dont make me go

lipstick on your collar
she will never tell
when you are inside her
is it my name you yell

*ch*

anticipation drives me
right into your arms
just one more night
it wont do any harm

*ch*

Face in the crowd (free form poetry)

2004-10-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

i watch you sit on high
your smile is endearing
your voice is intoxicating
your beauty is blinding

my eyes adore you
and fall upon your grace
as i watch from my place
far below in the crowd

just another adoring face
just another worthiping face
just another lonely face
just another face in the crowd

what could I do to be
worth a love like you
worth a dream like you
worth a thought to you

i want to be someone
to someone like you
i want to be more than
just a face in the crowd

i will sit and worship you
till I turn to cold stone
till this lonely heart
turns to shattered dust

unless you look upon me
unless you smile down
unless to you I am
more than a face in the crowd

My Cathedral (poetry)

2004-10-27T14:51:00.001-07:00

In my grand moseleum
My foot steps echo on the stones
Bitter dry and cracking
Just like the bleach white bones
In my great cathedral
My screams cause the saints to cry
The blood slips down the glass
And no one questions why
In my mourning ocean
Caught in the undertow
The waves crash above me
endless in their woe
On the steps of your home
I bleed upon your door
You left me here to die
and I can only plead for more
Do you hear your name
Whispered in my last breath
I hide inside my fickle dreams
and wait for tender death

Silken Misery (free form poetry)

2004-10-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

cry me a river
so I may bathe in your misery
for my heart
has run dry
of all the tears
you asked of me
now all that remains
is a hollow shell
not worthy to offer
a dreamer like me
who would carry
it forever in his pocket
wrapped in silk
cry me a river
so I may wash away
all the horrors
my soul has endured
lost in your grip
you have torn apart
my glittered future
now a patchwork path
of deadly pot holes
I muddle through
drinched in your rain
cry me a river
for I have not
another tear for you

Cruelty (Free form)

2004-10-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

Why do you chain my arms with these cold manicals?
Can you not see the pain of these bonds?
Do you not see the blood that pours from the wounds they create?
Why do you sew together my lips with this rusty needle?
Do you not see the miserable tear that rolls down my cheek?
Why do you hurt me so, did you not once say you loved me?
Why do you spit upon my weeping face?
Why do you beat my fear wracked body?
What did I do to deserve this torture?
Am I not human?
Am I worth no more than this to you?
Do you not consider that poor child?
Do you not see her watching, crying, there in the shadows?
Do I deserve this torture?
Does she?
Can I not take her pain?
Will you not deal to me the punishment you think she has earned?
Can you not hide thes horrors from her eyes?
Why do you enjoy the pain you bring me?
Do you call that loving me?

Promises (free form poetry)

2004-10-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

You fill my lost places
Like the thick shadows
That flood the corners
Of hot summer nights
I dearly miss you
Even before you leave
All my lucid dreams
Are wrapped up in you
As is my silken body
All through the night
While our astral selves
Relive the sweet passions
Tasted moments before
I give everything to you
Lay down my love
My life
My body
For the sweet promise
Which nightly you whisper
Upon my lips
My heart
My soul
The sweet promise
Of forever

Beautiful Disguise (lyrics)

2004-10-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

laying in our bed
I can still smell you
images swim in my head
what is real, what is true

my happy ever after
the unending cost
my heart is broken
forever gone, forever lost

Pressed against my skin
(your filth)
going under again
(your filth)
fell for all your lies
(your filth)
your beautiful disguise
(your filth)

I will always see her
when I look into your eyes
all the pain a blur
your beautiful disguise

Pressed against my skin
(your filth)
going under again
(your filth)
fell for all your lies
(your filth)
your beautiful disguise
(your filth)

The hurt so deep
all beauty dies
my kingdom for
your beautiful disguise

First Love (Free form)

2004-10-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

I miss first love
where the world came
down to his smile
Every touch like fire
every kiss like nectar
so new so sweet
inocence los
tis never regained
and first loves kiss
never tasted twice
so simple
so powerful
I mourn its beauty
like the coming of the winter
causes me to mourn
the colors of spring
I starve for that kiss
such honesty
such abandon
The future on his lips
and my life upon his fingertips
made me feel everything was possible
I was beautiful
and the world came down to his smile

Cages (lyrics)

2004-10-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

deny the touch,
deny the feel
refuse the love,
its never real

comfortably numb
lost deep inside
never to seek
always to hide

Cant let it out
Cant let them in
cages that I built
lock me up again

never forever
always today
here a moment
never to stay

I am wrong
I am to blame
without love
there is no pain

Cant let it out
Cant let them in
cages that I built
lock me up again

I am wrong
I am to blame
without love
there is no pain

Razor Morning (lyrics)

2004-10-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Some days I wake up and want to tear down the sun
I try to face my inner demons but in the end I run
It was supposed to be you and me against the world
But in the end it was your promises come undone

I hate all the beautiful flowers you sent me today
Dont you wish they would make this pain all go away
I am not falling for those pretty words ever again
Here you cant hurt me again and here I will stay

(*ch*-
To hell with your sunshine
Ill take the moon
the cold and the dark
alone in my room
not all girls like flowers
and here I will stay
You cant touch me
again in any way)

When is your beautiful torment ever going to end
I tried everything from 'I hate you' to 'lets be friends'
Why cant you just see that I wont ever belong to you
I will never fall for your bullshit lies again

*ch*

No more will you taste that sweet love here on my lips
and no longer will you feel adoration in my finger tips
and I hope every time you look upon her pretty face
you are dreaming of my legs wrapped around your hips

*ch* *ch*

Silence Kills (lyrics)

2004-10-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

You rape me with your pretty words
your candy coated lies
touch me in the tender places
with desire behind your eyes
you whisper softly to me
I am the one you need
She is nothing to you
a deposit for your seed

(*Ch*-
How can you tell me
that I am your forever
when you once left me
for another lover
Now every word is tainted
every touch is dirty
every memory has begun
To do nothing but hurt me)

you say that it is over
to you she has died
but how can I ever get rid
of this emptiness inside
I can taste her lipstick
a poison in your kiss
when you are touching me
is it her you miss

*ch*

I try to push it all away
and get lost in your arms
but all that has ever done
is bring me endless harm
I just feel like second best
When I look into your eyes
How can I beleive the truth
when lost amongst the lies

*ch**ch*

Dreamer's Lament (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Lost within
and found without
I drift upon the sea
Will you watch the waters come
to rise and swalow me
Dreamer dreamer
can you find
my distant lullaby
Washed away by sorrow's sea
the truth umonngst the lies

Knights (bardic song lyrics)

2004-10-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

They come along in dozens
each man blinding bright
colored flags all marching
A long parade of knights
Hid beneath the metal
is the most important part
the armor protects the man
but what protects my heart

Though many men in armor
stormed the castle wall
dashed upon the rocks
they stumble and they fall
few have passed the dragon
resting softly there
none to save this maiden
from the pain I bare

*c*

Can you cross the river
swoll from all the years
I sat upon the banks
and fed it with my tears
can you cut the vines
razor sharp with thorns
giving me the light
my heart forever mourns

*c*

can you kiss this beauty
and wake me from my sleep
can you promise forever
that only me you'll keep
Will I see the sunrise
upon a bright new day
will you truly love me
will you take me away

*c*

Of those that passed the test
and there was but a few
not a one has shown me
he holds honest and true
Herein lies the lesson
I pray you understand
A white belt may make a knight
But it does not make a man

(*c*-
Come travel froma place apart
if you provetrue of heart
my shining knight
my darkned day
Will you come
to take me away)

The Ties (free form poetry)

2004-10-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

There are ties that bind
Of blood and bone
Of life
And love
And dreams
Ties that teach
Your wounded heart
To dance
To fly
To sing
These ties are strong
And grow with time
To hold
To grasp
And cling
To hold them close
And give the strength
To fly
To dance
To sing

Dead Dollie (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

my dead dollie walks the streets at night
broken stiches and glittening knife
tiny little foot prints trailed in blood
leaving chaos were innocence stood

my wolf sewn up in sheeps clothing
stuffed with cotton and self loathing
with mitten hands and button eyes
a mouth sewn out of spoken lies

into your shadowed room she'll creep
and sing you lullabies untill you sleep
she will curl up next to you in bed
when heavy seems to fall your head

the blade so sharp no pain you'll feel
then out into the night she'll steal
to the next child with sleeping breath
whom she'd love to love to death

Strength in the Light (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

The chains bind me tightly
To the bright light that guides me
But shadows of the past are thick
And moved closer in the night
The demon she wails of deception
And demands retribution
For the shadow will always be
Discarded by the shining light
Late into the game she falls
Upon me with her razor claws
But the chains only wrap more tightly
And my anger only grows
She begs the light to forsake me
But he turns sharp from her plea
He gives me the strength to fight
And shrug off all her blows
Now I swim in a sea of chrimson
Heading towards the closing horizon
Strong in my seething fury
Yet smiling at the shadow there
For she could never ever take
Or ever even begin to break
The bond between the light and I
And was foolish to ever dare
The flames grow high deep inside
And my rage supplies it’s crashing tide
The passions nourish my wicked assemblage
And upon her shadowed soul they feed
Even the shadows have their weakness
And this I must candidly confess
That the smile I offer the shadow
Is souly the pleasure of watching her bleed

Psycho X (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

The hole is still set in the wall
the glass still shatered on the floor
Once upon a time I loved you
but now that time is never more

The scribbled threats left on my desk
The knife holes on my side of the bed
The many precious things you broke
And all the crazy things you said

You would always want to hurt me
each time I thought to leave your side
Now doctors wrap the bloody marks
you gave me this last time I tried

The police all know your name by heart
The white coats watch and wait for you
They said you needed to be stopped
I know too late that they were true

Violet Pyre (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Oh seething hatred burning bright
Upon this tender heart of mine
Why does she cause in me such fire
To destroy her delicate life
Though all her wiles have surely failed
To take from me my guiding light
I still wish her hoards of pain
Eternally cursed with merciless strife

Forgiveness is the weak’s virtue
And I am surely a being strong
For the seas will all run dry
Before my thirst for vengeance dies
I am not one to be crossed
The shadows in my blood flow thick
It calls for suffering returned 3 fold
Before the fire ceases its cries

Her life may beat a steady path
No trepidation may hold her now
Not through my finger does she flow
But round my finger does she wind
I watch with growing anger still
Staying my willful destructive hand
For a perfect moment to collect
Her precious pain and my piece of mind

Oh happy demon growing large
Within this grievance left unpaid
Feed well upon my mounting fury
A violet pyre in to rival the sun
The time draws near to send you off
Into the malleable core of her life
To devastate all that is good
And have my retribution well and done

Below the City Screams (poetry)

2004-10-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

Love, Rap
Rock and roll
Speed, Weed
Birth control
Race, Religion
Family scars
Genders, and geniuses
Behind bars
Countries, Cities
Black and White
Why are we
Content to fight
Only we can
Find our fate
I hope were not
Condemned to hate
I know its hard
Holding on to dreams
Caught beneath
The cities screams
Just like your’s
My heart sheds tears
Refreshing emotions
Expressing fears
We live almost identical lives
Brother, Mothers
Sisters, Wives
Only we can
Find our fate
I just pray
We aren’t too late

Halo (free form poetry)

2004-10-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Do you remember me?
The one who tainted you when you were pure?
Do you think of me anymore?
Do you deny me in action
as well as your words?
Have you forgoten me,
my touch like fire,
my vanilla skin layed out for you
white in the moonlight,
the haunting taste
of half remembered
forbiden fruits,
the quite sound
of my moans
thick in the darkness?
Do you think of me
alone in your bed?
Can you still smell me?
Do your thoughts drift to me
when you are all alone?
Do your hands
feel like mine
as you imagine me there?
Do you dream of me
when it is her in your bed?
Does she smell like warm vanilla syrup?
Do you close your eyes
and invision me,
that it is my thighs
wrapped around your waist?
The gift you gave me
is my greatest treasure
your halo wrapped
around my finger
a place I refused
to let you be.
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgiven me?

Victims of Ignorance (Political Essay)

2004-10-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the country jumped through their asses to give money and gifts to the children of the accountants hit by planes in the trade center, but the 9 month pregnent woman that lives down the road is struggeling to see the insurance money from the government after her husband, an Army soldier in Iraq, died last week in an ambush? Is she worth less because her husband actually gave his life for his country knowingly? Where is her moment of silence? Where is the college fund collected by the NYPD for the families of victims of 911, is there a little tuition left over for this fetus, just a month too late to meet their father before he gave his life for his country, to protect the freedoms of this beautiful child he was waiting for so long and will never recive? What an honor it must be to have a place of eternal rest in DC's Evergreen Cemetery, to know for all you days that your wife and child have to spend mass amounts of money to travel half way across the country to lay flowers on your grave stone laying impersonal and cold between others you never fought next to or even knew. Will they choose a lost life from this war to put in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? Or will they hush it up, play it down, and focus on the horror of 911 to keep the rabble rousers at bay? They claim that terrible attack began this war rather than the fact that the government really dropped the ball this time? They turned their backs on all our supporters! Australia supported us when we went to war, where were we when the Taliban killed hundreds when bombing their country? We are no longer a part of the UN, we are no longer under the Genivia Convention, Iraq is in a state of Martial Law! A solider was just sent back to the US for killing an Iraqy just "To see if his gun was working properly." But if this is the compassion we show their people what do you think is going to happen when anti-coalition forces capture our troops? Our brothers, Fathers, Uncles, and friends all paceing that country dressed in the tan camo with the M16, kevlar vests zipped up tight, dodgeing bullet after bullet and praying for one more day of life at a time till they can make it home to their country to be with the people they love. But what has our country become? We are hated by the rest of the world. They spit at the mention of our name in Europe and Asia. Just having the stars and stripes on your passport is a good enough reason to get your throat slit in many a foreign dark alley. Is this really what the American people were expecting when we allowed the President to go to war with this small country, for us to be hated the world around? His reign is coming to an end, his reelection looks slim, but the biggest problem we have at this point is how to repair the damage he has done, if we can, and getting our loved ones out of that desert, out of that hell, and back home.

Dangerous Battle (erotica)

2004-10-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

All I wanted was to feel that complete abandoned connection between us. To feel his breath, ragged and quick on my skin, to feel his hands wound into my hair, to hear him cry out he loved me as his body jerked and spazumed under me. It was lke two people drinking water after having walked in the desert for months. He finally let go, he hurt me like I had always begged him to. I had to struggle to keep conciousness because the orgasms were coming so close together it hurt. I missed it so much. I struggle and plead for reprieve as he teases me into begging, then comes the passionate hours where everything is carnal and slippery. He makes me feel beautiful, and for a breif time there is no one else in this world but him and I, all the pain from the past is gone, all the doubt fades away and I really feel like he loves me. Afterwards my body screams in fierce agony, aches and pains, swollen flesh, red burning hand prints, and bloody nail marks. But slowly reality slips in, it washes away the warm afterglow and rains down the memories of the past, pain and deception, I no longer feel beautiful, I feel the needle of doubt, the seed of jealousy, the stone walls around my heart rise again to ward off his next painful blow. I crave that sweet freedom, that place where I am beautiful and he loves me. Where I will do anything he asks in order to please him and he makes sure I am punished enough to enjoy the sins I am commiting. I wait on razor blades with anticipation of the next time he fights my denials, pushes past my sweet pleadings for him to stop, my virginal sensabilities holding strong untill he finds just the right spot and makes me rebel against all I have ever been taught was right. He gives me a taste, just enough to make me want it, then he makes me work for it, and work I do, untill he finally grants me that sweet release, finally grants me the ultimate pleasure of bringing him to his end, and laying warm and broken in his arms untill reality rips it all away. A dangerous battle.

Scraped Knees (essay)

2004-10-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have realized that once you reach a certin age, the world just stops caring about your emotional well being. Up untill that point they still kiss your skinned knees, brush you off, give you a pep talk as they wipe away your tears, and send you back out to play with the knowledge that no matter how bad it hurts there will always be a kiss and some good advice waiting for you. Do we ever stop needing that? Who decided that a moody teenager lost in the most confusing area of their life needs less emotional support than a 6 year old that fell off his bike and bruised his ego? Who is the judge of what hurts more, a broken bone or a broken heart? Who decided that it should be wrong to slap a woman in the face but exceptable to give blows tro her soul? Why do we stop caring? Is it not hypocritical to stop a man from cutting his own wrists because we do not feel he should end his life, but do nothing to stop the emotional trauma that makes him feel he is already dead inside and would rather leave this world than live in this pain? Why do we no longer care about the feelings of others? Why do we look down upon those who are empathitic to the emotions around them? Why do we shun the friend who is hurting because we can not relate to their pain even though we know that they will be the first to offer us aide when our emotions are more than we can handle alone? Men generally have the right idea, they protect emotions between their friends, they bond to such an exstent that they can sucsesfully communicate with little actual verbal communication, but when things go wrong what do they do to settle the argument? They go out in the front yard to fight it out. It is an easily understood theory: Bruises fade and broken bones mend, but hurting someone emotionally never truely goes away, you just learn not to step on the same nerve twice. Only the vendictive female race could make it socially exceptable to slice and dice a person's soul, break a heart, and completely destroy a person's emotional well being. Only a woman could convince the world she is the victim when a man slaps her for screaming lies, insults, and accusations for hours untill he was so broken he could barely stand to breath the air in the same room as her. What is the exceptable way to defend yourself from these attacks? What if you cannot defend yourself at all? Is it more or less wrong to watch a woman be raped physically or emotionally and offer her no safety, no concern? Would you turn your nose up at the victim of a brutal beating saying you didnt want to be involved in their 'drama' and slammed the door in their face as they bled on your welcome mat? Why would you do it to someone whose wounds were locked on the inside? Who decides what abuse is more painful, physical or emotional?

Broken Angel (first person)

2004-10-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

Ahh! I know what you are here for.
Wait right there, and I will get the tools.
You seem very eager....they all are.
Have you gotten your judgement ready?
Lets hear it...Oh! what a lovely one!
I havent heard that one in a few hours.
So sit right there,mind the knives!
They are rather sharp,oh....?
You want them dull?
Well it is your decsion isnt it?
I will see what I can find.
Yes, I know,it will take quite some time
to hack them completely off.
But I am sure you knew that already.
Yes, yes it will be messy...the pain...?
I am sure that is intirely up to you.
Well there you go,everything is ready.....
I know what you are here for,
for the sweet sweet suffering,
the chrimson blood,
a stark contrast against the white.
Hurry hurry now!
Pass your judgment here,
for holy you are,
and worthless I am.
For what other than enjoyment can you find
in watching me bleed
and die
as you cut the wings off an angel.